Most of the time I walk through life feeling pretty strong and capable. Now, I realize that most people who catch a glimpse of me probably see a fat middle aged white woman and make some assumptions about me. But the truth is, in spite of some recent challenges, I know that my body will do a lot of pretty impressive work when I ask it to do so. Sure, there may be a price to pay later, but generally I can lift and haul with the best of them.
I walked onto the ship feeling pretty confident. Sure, there were some things I was worried about, but I knew a little about the ship and I had at least a vague idea of how sailing her went. I knew some of the terms. And I’m strong and capable, right?
Except when the ship was out of port I was completely out of my element. I knew a few terms, I understood the basic premise, but mostly I just felt like I either rarely knew what I needed to be doing or wasn’t strong enough, tall enough or confident enough to do it. Which left me feeling kinda down on myself. And it robbed me of some of the joy of being on the ship. I knew it was going to be hard work, I thought I was prepared for that. But I wasn’t prepared for the reality that some of it was utterly beyond what I am currently capable of doing.
In retrospect, I realize that a lot of this boils down to how things are done on the ship. The leadership likes for people to do a little bit of everything, which is wonderful…but it also means that sometimes, you have no idea where your place should be. And sometimes it means that you are doing things you aren’t really good at. And that left me feeling out of sorts, out of place and quite simply – useless. There were times during the first week when I just wanted to cut and run…to give up…to go home.
It got better, of course. I started to learn, I starting to find the things I was capable of doing and learn better ways to do some of the things I wasn’t very good at. I also learned when to bow out and admit that I wasn’t able to do certain things. But that little voice in the back of my head that questions everything still occasionally liked to remind me just how weak and incapable I was. My friends at home were calling me a badass and I don’t know that I had ever felt less like that word applied.
When we got to Philly, I was planning to ride home with Brandon and his wife and we were running on their schedule. We found out that there was a little send off mid-afternoon and Brandon and I debated if we could wait that long to head out. I’m not sure if we so much decided to stay as ended up putting off leaving long enough that it made sense to just hang around for a little bit longer to say goodbye to everyone.
And so, we all sat around a table and laughed one final time at a couple of inside jokes, took a couple of silly photos and started a hearty round of goodbye hugs. Living in such close quarters, we had become pretty close and there were definitely some tears. I saved Captain Bjorn for last even though he was teasing me about skipping him. I wish you all could meet Bjorn. He’s truly something else. He’s a daredevil, a kind uncle, a quiet voice you do NOT want to disappoint, a craftsman, a voice of reason, an instigator, a teacher and a genuinely caring soul. I wrapped my arms around him and thanked him for everything and then he stepped back and took my hand in his and gave me a precious gift with his words.
“I’m so glad you came with us,” He said to me in the soft accent that had become so soothing to me in the past couple of weeks. “Having you on board has been wonderful. You bring such joy with you. There were times when I was maybe a little bit worried or stressed and I heard you laugh and it lifted my spirits. Thank you.”
And that is the moment that I truly felt like there was a place that I belonged on that crew. Bjorn had reminded me what I had momentarily forgotten. Sometimes the strength in your heart is just as important as the strength in your back.
