“When my blood runs warm with the old red wine, I miss the life that I left behind
When I hear the sound of the black bird’s cry, I know I left in the nick of time.”
These lyrics from Peter Bradley Adams song “The Longer I Run” resonate so hard with me some days.
I’m here because I chose to be. I started over. I took the reboot option and left everything I knew to find a new life. And it’s hard…and I have to remember that it’s ok. I struggled the first couple of months and then I was texting with a friend and she said to me “You know, you ARE allowed to be lonely”. And that was when I realized that I didn’t actually know that. I had been telling myself that lonely wasn’t an option. I chose this. I chose to leave “home”. So, I had to deal with the ramifications of my actions. One of these was the fact that I didn’t really know anyone here. It was part of starting over. And I didn’t actually know that I was allowed to feel this until she said that.
So, here’s the thing…you are allowed to miss the people that you left behind. You don’t have to just suck it up and be stoic.
You are allowed to feel homesick for a place that no longer feels like home.
And that’s OK.
I miss what that place once was for me. Leaving was the right decision and I know that with all of my heart. It was no longer home and I had known that for a long time. Still, it’s ok to miss what it used to be. I’m allowed to feel. I’m allowed to wish I could just say “I’m coming over” and show up in my pajamas and steal a beer from the crisper drawer and plop down on a familiar couch and do nothing. It’s ok. I’m allowed to miss the things that I left. It doesn’t mean it was the wrong choice to leave.
I’ll say it once more – I’m allowed to feel sad and lonely and homesick for the place I left.
And so are you.